A penny saved is ridiculous.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

How do you get a Kleenex to dance? Put a little boogy in it!

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Ideas don’t stay in some minds very long because they don’t like solitary confinement.

Whatever it is — I didn’t do it!

“Fragile. Do not drop.” — Posted on a Boeing 757

Why is it called ‘after dark’ when it really is ‘after light’?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!

You know the speed of light;so what is the speed of dark ?

Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

This is a quantum car. I don’t know where I am, but I’m going really fast.

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.

There are three sides of an argument — your side, my side and the right side.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

He who laughs last didn’t get it.

“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.”

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.

When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” – Joey Adams

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

Guys: No Shirt, No Service – Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo ingles.”

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. – Mrs. White, (Clue 1985)

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

I could’ve eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. – Mrs. White, (Clue 1985)

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. – Henny Youngman

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’. -Homer Simpson

Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. – Jerry Garcia

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.

What you call dog with no legs? Don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.

“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.” – Douglas Adams

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Homer Simpson

You laugh because I’m different………..I laugh cause I just farted!

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse.’

It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils … – Louis Hector Berlioz

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.