“The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it’s more politically correct”

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”

“Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.”

“Time invested in improving ourselves cuts down on time wasted in disapproving of others.”

“The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”

“Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.”

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”

“The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything: the young know everything.”

“I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake.”

“Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.”

“Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.”

“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.”

“I’m tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.”