“As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards.”

“Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.”

“I wouldn’t have turned out the way I was if I didn’t have all those old-fashioned values to rebel against.”

“Sometimes you have to be a bitch to get things done.”

“If I weren’t as talented as I am ambitious, I would be a gross monstrosity.”

“When I’m hungry, I eat. When I’m thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it.”

“A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That’s why they don’t get what they want.”

“And will you succeed?
Yes! You will indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed)”

“Have you been to The Land of Happy,
Where everyone’s happy all day,
Where they joke and they sing
Of the happiest things,
And everything’s jolly and gay?
There’s no one unhappy in Happy, There’s laughter and smiles galore.
I have been to The Land of Happy -
What a bore!”

“It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.”

“We are no longer the knights who say ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!”

“I’m just a musical prostitute, my dear.”

“After winter comes the summer. After night comes the dawn. After every storm, there comes clear, open slies.”

“Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.”

“I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”