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— James Fitzjames Stephen"A liberal conservative is a man who thinks things ought to progress but would rather they remained as they are."
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If anybody comes up to you and says, My kid is a conservative - why is that? you say, Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?
— Mort Sahl
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This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.
— Daniel Tosh
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