Alcoholism Funny Quotes

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

When a woman drinks it's as if an animal were drinking, or a child. Alcoholism is scandalous in a woman, and a female alcoholic is rare, a serious matter. It's a slur on the divine in our nature.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I try not to drink too much because when I'm drunk, I bite.

I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.

I drink to make other people interesting.

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.

I feel sorry for people who do not have a Bible to lean on.

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

A man who drinks too much on occasion is still the same man as he was sober. An alcoholic, a real alcoholic, is not the same man at all. You can't predict anything about him for sure except that he will be someone you never met before.

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

I like whiskey. I always did, and that is why I never drink it.

I believe, if we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class. There seems ever to have been a proneness in the brilliant and warm-blooded to fall into this vice.

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.

I'm tired of hearing sin called sickness and alcoholism a disease. It is the only disease I know of that we're spending hundreds of millions of dollars a year to spread.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.

But I'm not a saint yet. I'm an alcoholic. I'm a drug addict. I'm homosexual. I'm a genius.

The mentality and behavior of drug addicts and alcoholics is wholly irrational until you understand that they are completely powerless over their addiction and unless they have structured help they have no hope.

Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.