Cute Funny Quotes

If we can't alter the tide of events, at least we can be nearby with towels to mop up.

If I ever do anything, it actually might be some fantasy elf thing or even some cute, funny thing. Just to do something a little bit out of the ordinary. I've done my superhero gig.

My ideal prom date would have to be cute, funny, sweet, nice.

Allow me to put the record straight. I am forty-six and have been for some years past.

Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source.

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

Careful grooming may take twenty years off a woman's age, but you can't fool a flight of stairs.

If you see a snake, just kill it - don't appoint a committee on snakes.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

It has been said that a pretty face is a passport. But it's not, it's a visa, and it runs out fast.

I was showing early symptoms of becoming a professional baseball man. I was lying to the press.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Dressing a baby is like putting an octopus into a string bag, making sure none of the arms hang out.

Things hurt me now. My knees hurt, my back hurts. But your head still thinks it's twenty-three.

The only time a bachelor's bed is made is when it's in the factory.

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments.

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.

That doesn't mean that you should just sit back and just let accidents happen to you. No, you have to go out and cause them yourself. That way you're in control of the situation.