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The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor!
Sep 24, 2025
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces...I just know they're about to jab me with something.
I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow
But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
Good things don't end in -eum; they end in -mania or -teria.
English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.
Art is what separates us from the animals.
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Guilt, remorse. It's what separates us from the animals.
If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way.
Pffft, English. Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman. Homer Simpson
You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?
You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.
Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!
But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman!
Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
It's not whether you win or lose - but whether I win or lose.
Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost.
Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.
Homer no function beer well without.
You can't handle the truth!
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