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I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
Sep 30, 2025
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
If inflation continues to soar, you're going to have to work like a dog just to live like one
No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.
Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.
Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.
If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn't be enough to go around.
I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.
Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn't have it and thought of other things if you did.
This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.
Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants.
Congratulations on your job at the bank! Yes. You work for the bank. After taxes, your largest expense is your mortgage and credit-card debt.
People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
The glow of one warm thought is to me worth more than money.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
There is nothing wrong with a woman welcoming all men's advances as long as they are in cash
Tax deductible, That's what you are: Tax deductible. Just like my car, like a gift to local charity, you give my 1040 clarity
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people
Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.
Money without brains is always dangerous.
Money won't make you happy... but everybody wants to find out for themselves.
Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver.
Never spend your money before you have earned it.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.
Money often costs too much.
Money isn't the most important thing in life, but it's reasonably close to oxygen on the 'gotta have it' scale.
It is good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good too, to check up once in a while and make sure you haven't lost the things money can't buy.
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.
Money can't buy happiness—but it can buy beer.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
You can be young without money but you can't be old without it.
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
If you would be wealthy, think of saving as well as getting.
The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.
This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movement of small green pieces of paper, which was odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
This planet has — or rather had — a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much all of the time.
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.
Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college.