Hillarious Quotes

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.

Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.