Funny Comedian Quotes

I've never set out to write a funny movie or be a funny comedian as a woman. I am a woman. I don't really have a choice in the matter. My goal is just to be funny.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I myself grew up when radio was very important. I'd come home from school and turn on the radio. There were funny comedians and wonderful music, and there were plays. I used to pass time with radio.

I have a funny sense of humor. If I was a comedian and I was up on stage, people would think that's funny, because I'm a funny comedian. I'm an entertainer.

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.

Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

One night I attended a Laughing Liberally comedy show. There was one funny comedian there - Lee Camp.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

When I get up in the morning, I go and I work with beautiful women and charming men and funny comedians and dramatic artists. And I'm presented with costumes and great music to choose from and sets. I travel a certain amount of places, so I've been living in a bubble. And I like it.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.