Funny Relationship Quotes

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Relationships are like farting, If you push too hard things could get messy real fast.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.

I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.

When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

I'm a very loyal and unreliable friend.

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

Treasure each other in the recognition that we do not know how long we shall have each other.

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones.

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.

Our greatest joy and our greatest pain comes in our relationships with others.

I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back.

You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start getting on your nerves, 'Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it's so repetitious.'

The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity, but in being uninteresting.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways - the ways we react and behave when we love someone.

I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage.

good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Relationships dont always make sense. Especially from the outside

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!

Old age has deformities enough of its own. It should never add to them the deformity of vice.

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.

The absolute yearning of one human body for another particular body and its indifference to substitutes is one of life's major mysteries.

I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street.

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.

To grow in our ability to love ourselves we need to receive love as well.

Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.