Funny Christmas Quotes

All New Years is to me is for taking down your dumb Christmas decorations. People who put up Christmas decorations, all they're saying is, 'Hey, we're not Jews.'

Christmas makes me happy no matter what time of year it comes around.

I love giving gifts and I love receiving them. I really like giving little kids extravagant gifts. You see their little faces light up and they get excited. If it's a really good gift, I love receiving it, like jewels, small islands.

Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

Don't let the past steal your present. This is the message of Christmas: We are never alone.

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.

Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing but of reflection.

I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Christmas is joy, religious joy, an inner joy of light and peace.

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.

Christmas day is a day of joy and charity. May God make you very rich in both.

Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.

Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

We have a small, tight family. I left home at a young age and the best thing for me was to go home at Christmas-time and spend time with my family and friends. It's kind of funny, most people do turkey and all the trimmings, but we would have a big seafood festival because it's the only time of the year that we'd eat it. We never really went caroling, but once in a while we'd got out for a sleigh ride

A merry Christmas to everybody! A happy New Year to all the world!

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Christmas is a season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.

Heap on more wood! - the wind is chill; But let it whistle as it will, We'll keep our Christmas merry still.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

I've had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, 'No! No! This wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people!' Then if there's a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won't make it 'white'.

The earth has grown old with its burden of care, but at Christmas it always is young, the heart of the jewel burns lustrous and fair, and its soul full of music breaks the air, when the song of angels is sung.

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

Christmas! The very word brings joy to our hearts.

The earth has grown old with its burden of care, But at Christmas it always is young.

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.

The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: "Some assembly required."

Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell government what they want and their kids pay for it.

Christmas, my child, is love in action. Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas.

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.