Dilbert Quotes

Your shower is ready - I turned it on last night.

Dogbert: Scientists have discovered the gene that makes some people love golf. Dilbert: How can they tell it's the golf gene? Dogbert: It's plaid and it lies.

I think 'Dilbert' will remain popular as long as employees are frustrated and they fear the consequences of complaining too loudly. 'Dilbert' is the designated voice of discontent for the workplace. I never planned it that way. It just happened.

The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out. Sure, there's a lot more living to go, but there isn't much doubt that I'll always be the 'Dilbert guy.' Unless I go on a crime spree, in which case I'll be that stabbin Dilbert guy.

I should have written that down. - Dilbert

Dilbert: I'm obsessed with inventing a perpetual motion machine. Most scientists think it's impossible, but I have something they don't. Dogbert: A lot of spare time? Dilbert: Exactly.

'Dilbert' became popular during the downsizing of the '90s, and job security was a major theme of the strip.

Everybody is somebody's else's weirdo

Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto

Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently.

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.

I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles.

When did ignorance become a point of view?

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

The Dilbert Principle: People are idiots.

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

Dilbert: You joined the "Flat Earth Society?" Dogbert: I believe the earth must be flat. There is no good evidence to support the so-called "round earth theory." Dilbert: I think Christopher Columbus would disagree. Dogbert: How convenient that your best witness is dead.

There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

When you don't know what to do, get still. The answer will come.

Intelligence is what you use when you don't know what to do.

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

M.I.T. has a reputation for turning out Dilberts. They may be brilliant in what they do, but no one can understand what they say.

I had several different bosses during the early years of 'Dilbert.' They were all pretty sure I was mocking someone else.

If the rest of your brain were conscious, it would probably regard you as the pointy-haired boss from Dilbert

One Dilbert Blog reader noted that current research shows that happiness causes success more than success causes happiness. That makes sense to me. There's plenty of research about people having a baseline of happiness that doesn't vary much with circumstances. And given that happy people are typically optimistic, energetic, and fun to work with, I can see how happiness would lead to success.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

You don't have to be a 'person of influence' to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.

Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.

Dogbert: So, Since Columbus is dead, you have no evidence that the earth is round. Dilbert: Look. You can Ask Senator John Glenn. He orbited the earth when he was an astronaut. Dogbert: So, your theory depends on the honesty of politicians. Dilbert: Yes... no, wait.

If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts.

You don't argue with a four-year old about why he shouldn't eat candy for dinner. You don't punch a mentally handicapped guy even if he punches you first. And you don't argue when a women tells you she's only making 80 cents to your dollar. It's the path of least resistance. You save your energy for more important battles.

Dilbert: It took weeks but I've calculated a new theory about the origin of the universe. According to my calculations it didn't start with a "Big Bang" at all-it was more of "Phhbwt" sound. You may be wondering about the practical applications of the "Little Phhbwt" theory. Dogbert: I was wondering when you'll go away.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Dogbert gazing at night sky No matter how bad the day is, the stars are always there. Dilbert Actually, many of them burned out years ago, but their light is just now reaching earth. DogbertThank you for shattering my comfortable misconception. DilbertIt's the miracle of science.

Dilbert: Evolution must be true because it is a logical conclusion of the scientific method. Dogbert: But science is based on the irrational belief that because we cannot perceive reality all at once, things called time and cause and effect exist. Dilbert: That's what I was taught and that's what I believe. Dogbert: Sounds cultish.