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My fans are so funny, they make me laugh so much. I've got some really, really, funny, clever fans.
Oct 1, 2025
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
Humor is important. If you're going to tell any sort of realistic story, you're going to have to have humor in it, because people are funny. Clever people especially.
Nixon's motto was, if two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
The second mouse gets the cheese!
If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.
The problems that exist in this world can not be solved by the level of thinking that created them.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Novels are not about expressing yourself, they're about something beautiful, funny, clever and organic. Self-expression ? Go and ring a bell in a yard if you want to express yourself.
Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Tough times never last, but tough people do.
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
People will never forget how you made them feel.
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
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