Golf Humor Quotes

Golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.

Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit it and run backward.

Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.

Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses...

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.

Golf is a game in which you yell "for," shoot six, and write down five.

May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.

I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot.

If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would've been a great shot.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

I never pray to God to make a putt. I pray to God to help me react good if I miss a putt.

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.

I play with friends, but we don't play friendly games.

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.

I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser.

The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. It's more complicated than that.

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.

A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at 6 o'clock and make it go toward 12 o'clock. But make sure you're in the same time zone.

Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious.

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at it.

Swing hard in case you hit it.

While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don't you?

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.