Humorous Golf Quotes

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.

Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out.

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.

Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law.

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games.

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.

You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen.

I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. It's more complicated than that.

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Swing hard in case you hit it.

While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.