Golf Jokes Quotes

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands; how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things.

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.

One thing about golf is you don't know why you play bad and why you play good.

Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.

Golf is a game in which you yell "for," shoot six, and write down five.

May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose

I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That's the distance my left ear is from my right.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser.

The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

Playing golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture.

In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base.

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.

The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life.

The most important shot in golf is the next one.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at it.

Swing hard in case you hit it.

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.

They throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it.

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.

I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.