Wittiest Quotes

Truth, when witty, is the wittiest of all things.

I usually say I write for the smartest, cleverest, wittiest audience I know, and that's me.

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.

Advertising companies hire the very brightest, wittiest young people to write for them. Not one single sentence of it is worth repeating. Why? Because it wasn't meant.

If evolution was worth its salt, it should've evolved something better than 'survival of the fittest.' I think a better idea would be 'survival of the wittiest.' At least, that way, creatures that didn't survive could've died laughing.

If evolution was worth its salt, by now it should've evolved something better than survival of the fittest. I think a better idea would be survival of the wittiest.

Thank your readers and the critics who praise you, and then ignore them. Write for the most intelligent, wittiest, wisest audience in the universe: Write to please yourself.

A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.

The wittiest authors evoke a barely perceptible smile.

Buy land, they're not making it anymore.

There is a road from the eye to the heart that does not go through the intellect. Men do not quarrel about the meaning of sunsets; they never dispute that the hawthorn says the best and wittiest thing about the spring.

My senior year of high school, I was voted Wittiest. So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

The cook was a good cook, as cooks go; and as cooks go, she went.

The simple equations that generate the convoluted Mandelbrot fractal have been called the wittiest remarks ever made.

Have you ever rightly considered what the mere ability to read means? That it is the key which admits us to the whole world of thought and fancy and imagination? to the company of saint and sage, of the wisest and the wittiest at their wisest and wittiest moment? That it enables us to see with the keenest eyes, hear with the finest ears, and listen to the sweetest voices of all time? More than that, it annihilates time and space for us.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.

Beauty is something that is hard to debate. Every man thinks his ideal the best. But the wittiest woman rise to the top of this structure, conventional beauty often taking a back seat to a woman possessed of a clever tongue.

I have a fantastic husband. Here's the honeymoon part: I still think he's the funniest, wittiest, most clever man I've ever known.

The French are the wittiest, the most charming, and up to the present, at all events, the least musical race on Earth.

The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.

I own four copies of Robin WIlliams's Live on Broadway comedy special for HBO. One in Wilmington, one in L.A., one in my trailer, and one at my parents' house. I can watch it over and over again and it never gets old. He is the funniest, wittiest man on the planet!

Consider what you have in the smallest well-chosen library-a company of the wisest and wittiest men which can be plucked out of all civilized countries in a thousand years. The men themselves were then hidden and inaccessible. They were solitary, impatient of interruption, and fenced by etiquette. But now they are immortal, and the thought they did not reveal, even to their bosom friends, is here written out in transparent words of light to us, who are strangers of another age.

Consider what you have in the smallest chosen library. A company of the wisest and wittiest men that could be picked out of all civil countries, in a thousand years, have set in best order the results of their learning and wisdom.

'Tis never for their wisdom that one loves the wisest, or for their wit that one loves the wittiest; 'tis for benevolence, and virtue, and honest fondness, one loves people...

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.

Already known as one of America’s best and wittiest poets, William Trowbridge has, in Ship of Fool, found the perfect vessel to convey his vision: comic, tender, wry, compassionate, full of insight and rueful understanding of what it means to carry on, cream pies in the face, pants falling down as the Green Weenie rampages through our foolish, beautiful lives.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.

True friends stab you in the front.

Real friends stab you in the front.

I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.