Funny Alcohol Quotes

You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.

A horrid alcoholic explosion scatters all my good intentions like bits of limbs and clothes over the doorsteps and into the saloon bars of the tawdriest pubs.

An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger.

No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer.

I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.

I drink to make other people interesting.

When I drink, I think; and when I think, I drink.

I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

Not everyone who drinks is a poet. Some of us drink because we're not poets.

Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.

It is most absurdly said, in popular language, of any man, that he is disguised in liquor; for, on the contrary, most men are disguised by sobriety.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started you drinking in the first place.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I like to have a martini/Two at the very most/After three I'm under the table/After four I'm under my host.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.

The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.

I don't trust people who don't use profanity.

I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it.

I don't have a drinking problem 'Cept when I can't get a drink.

Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and answer to, all of life's problems.

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

I like liquor - its taste and its effects - and that is just the reason why I never drink it.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss.

Don't trust a brilliant idea unless it survives the hangover.

Don't trust people who don't laugh. I don't.

I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

BRANDY, n. A cordial composed on one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan.

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.

Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl's clothes off.

My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars.

My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer.

People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.