Funny Drinking Quotes

What's made Milwaukee famous has made a loser out of me.

Why don't I drink from a straw? Because straws are for suckers.

You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector. It encourages a man to be expansive, even reckless, while lie detectors are only a challenge to tell lies successfully.

Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector.

I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.

I drink to make other people interesting.

When I drink, I think; and when I think, I drink.

I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it.

Not everyone who drinks is a poet. Some of us drink because we're not poets.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.

Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

It is most absurdly said, in popular language, of any man, that he is disguised in liquor; for, on the contrary, most men are disguised by sobriety.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started you drinking in the first place.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I like to have a martini/Two at the very most/After three I'm under the table/After four I'm under my host.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Who cares how time advances? I am drinking ale today.

The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.

Fill with mingled cream and amber, I will drain that glass again. Such hilarious visions clamber Through the chamber of my brain — Quaintest thoughts — queerest fancies Come to life and fade away; What care I how time advances? I am drinking ale today.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.

I don't trust people who don't use profanity.

I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it.

I don't have a drinking problem 'Cept when I can't get a drink.

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

I like liquor - its taste and its effects - and that is just the reason why I never drink it.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss.

Don't trust people who don't laugh. I don't.

I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer.

People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.